Wednesday, October 22, 2008


I would like to take the time to completely refute this Cracked article: 6 of your favorite things that are secretly making you fat.

#6. Your Caffeine Addiction

Uh, no. I have never had any Starbucks cappofrappolattechino or anything like it. Okay, I once bought a coffee at a Starbucks. It was while I was truck driving, and the only way to get coffee at this one fancy truck stop (probably in California) was to buy it from the Starbucks counter inside the truck stop. You know, at most truck stops, when you buy 150 gallons of deisel at a time, they like to let you have at least one free coffee. But not this one. I ordered a straight black coffee, which the counter drone had apparently never heard of, and it didn't taste anywhere near as good as a free 20-ouncer from Flying J. I drink plain black coffee. As black as midnight on a moonless night, as Agent Cooper would say.

#5. Saving Money

Nope. I don't save money. But seriously, you don't buy food in bulk so you can eat in bulk. You buy it that way so you can break it down into smaller servings yourself. In fact, just today I broke 20 pounds of hamburger down into roughly 1 1/4 pound hunks and put them in the freezer. That'll last for a pretty good while.

#4. Air Conditioning

Doesn't apply to me. For one thing, I don't know how anyone can live with the inside of their house at 72 degrees. I would be suffering from permanent hypothermia. One time (previous job) some guy complained to me that his electric bill was too high. "I keep my thermostat on 68 all the time..." After that I zoned out. Dude, if the afternoon high is hitting 105, your AC is going to run non-stop from noon until midnight, at least. For another thing, I spend most of the day outside, and burn calories like nobody's business, especially in the summer. Sometimes in the summer I eat more junk food than I should just to keep my caloric intake somewhere close to my output. So there.

#3. Your Friends

Again, it doesn't apply to me because I have no friends. But seriously again, I can think of only one person (not counting any relatives) who I think of as a friend, and the only bad influence he might have on me is to make me buy more books than I really need.

#2. Your Mom

I never listened to her that much anyway. But seriously (yet again), my mother taught me a magic word that everyone should be familiar with: leftovers. If you don't eat it all now, you'll eat it again later. Good enough.

#1. Using the Internet

I don't sit and stuff myself while I'm on the internet. I smoke a pipe.

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