Don't call them zombies anymore

Not Zombies: Differently Alive.

In a move that almost stopped the collective hearts of the world, a spokesman for the differently alive came forward today to announce their presence among us.

“You know us as Zombies,” said the spokesman, who used the moniker “Reg Shoe” after the zombie in the Terry Pratchett novel. “But we consider that a derogatory term. It conjures up images of shambling, mindless creatures in search of brains. We prefer the term differently alive.”

Funny. But I take exception to this:

When asked if other differently alive creatures such as vampires or werewolves might exist, Shoe was silent on the subject.

“I can’t speak for our undead brethren,” he said. “If such creatures do or do not exist, it is up to them to come out of the coffin.”

I don't know how many times I'll have to explain this, but werewolves are not undead. And they have nothing to do with coffins, except that their victims usually end up in one.

Zombies are undead. Except possibly in that one movie where the Responsible Guy With Job dies without actually dying. But still, in the end he is an animated dead guy. Undead.

A vampire must also die to become a vampire. Ignore all the TV shows about "getting close to death" and that nonsense. A victim must be (eventually) killed by a vampire before coming back to "life" and becoming a vampire himself. Animated dead. Undead.

A werewolf must be created by being attacked or scratched by another werewolf, or created by a curse, or possibly just by sleeping outside under a full moon. If a werewolf kills someone, that victim remains dead. Only a surviving victim of a werewolf can become a werewolf. A living person who has become changed. Not undead.

This is an important distinction.

Now stop calling them undead. It only angries them up.