Sunday, October 19, 2008

Joe Sixpack/ Joe T. Plumber Announce Candidacy

More political satire from Dan O'Brien.

Joe the Plumber:
Senator Obama thinks of himself as a “Robin Hood” figure, taking money from the greedy, evil corporations and redistributing it to the peasants. Again, as stated in the Times, I resent being called a “peasant.” And if, as some have pointed out, Obama meant that I’m the greedy, evil corporation, I resent that, too. Hell, even if I’m supposed to be Robin Hood in this tricky, poorly-conceived metaphor, I’m still full of resentment. Basically I just don’t want anyone touching my money.
Joe Sixpack:
Folks, I am not Joe Biden or Sarah Palin. I am Joe Sixpack. That is, legally, my name. My dad made me change it when I crashed his car. Something about not deserving the family name. I don’t quite remember. I was pretty blitzed. But ask yourself this: do you want a down-to-earth candidate, or do you want some rich, out-of-touch yuppy who does a good job at feigning down-to-earthness? If it’s the second one, you’ve got two options there.

If it’s the first one, vote for me. I’m Joe Sixpack. I work hard. I eat lunch and whistle at women who walk by. I take the train if I can afford it, but mostly I just wander around. I drink cheap beer out of an empty Jelly jar and I scream at my television when a black quarterback makes a mistakes. I gamble on dog fights. I might have a kid somewhere. Sometimes I just like to get drunk on a set of stairs and put on a hat I found. I’m just like you.

O'Brien seems to be doing some consistently good stuff lately.


  1. I seem to recall Robin Hood was actually taking citizens' money back from the government and returning it to its rightful owners, who were overtaxed in the first place.

  2. Exactly.

    "Senator Obama thinks of himself as a 'Robin Hood' figure..."

    Which may be true, but I am actually more cynical. Like all great socialists, he is only exploiting human gullibility to give himself even more power. He doesn't actually believe in anything, except that he wants to be in charge.

  3. Senator Obama thinks of himself as a 'Robin Hood' figure...
    If he really thought that, though, he'd be giving the money back to the folks who, again, rightfully earned it. As for what he believes, well, I think he's just a not-so-good little Marxist.