Wednesday, October 26, 2005

New "Bond" to fight villians with only smug British self-assurance

In an unexpected release today, producers of the upcoming James Bond movie Casino Royale have stated that star Daniel Craig will not be armed with Bond's trademark Walther pistol--or any other firearm for that matter. The new Bond will overcome evil armed only with his wits and the smug self-righteous assurance so common among British movie heroes.

...Spoiler Alert!...

Insiders have leaked a brief description of some of the final scenes, when Bond confronts his newest nemesis.

Bond: I say, old chap. You can't go around taking over the world like this. After all, you haven't been duly sanctioned by the United Nations, and all that.

Arch-Villian: By Jove, Bond! How right you are! How could I have been so foolish as to think I could dominate the world with my gang of heavily armed thugs, a small arsenal of nuclear weapons, and enough biotoxin to wipe out half of Asia and the northern third of Madagascar? When there you stand, so proud and confident, smirking at me so disdainfully! I submit to you, Bond, you are the better man!

In other related stories...

British authorities today revealed that footage taken from a London-area surveillance camera shows that a gun used in a recent street shooting was actually being held in a human hand. The hand was apparently aiming the weapon while applying pressure to the trigger in order to cause it to fire, according to sources.

"Frankly, we are stunned," said Detective Lookout of the Yard. "For several decades now we have operated under the assumption that firearms were capable of operating themselves. This is a new development that will have to be seriously studied to see if we can duplicate the event."

Another unnamed source said that many British officers were not only stunned, but "shocked and stunned."

Also, the International Martini Lobby expressed outrage that the new Bond prefers his martinis "straight up." Gin sales fell today as martini-drinkers across the U.K. fell into confusion over how they should prepare their drinks.


  1. Dude, don't apologize. Thats some god stuff.

  2. Stupid...GOOD stuff...I swear I can't ytpe today.