Spokes-beings from the stunningly attractive Ventrue, the scruffy-but-loyal Gangrel, and the compellingly grotesque Nosferatu clans met just after sunset today with a member of the ruggedly handsome but belligerent Bruja for a formal press conference to condemn the use of white phosphorus as a weapon. All four Kindred refrained from publicizing their names, for fear of "reprisals against their bloodlines," but were united in their stand against the incendiary chemical.
"White phosphorus is an evil and an abomination," said the Ventrue. "It is one of the few things that can kill us, and for that, we are opposed to its use under any circumstances."
The Bruja spokes-being then added, "Even I, of the most ancient and noble Bruja clan, agree with this verminous Ventrue regarding white phosphorus. Although I may not be opposed to its use as an eradicator of vile pests such as these," he finished, indicating the Gangrel.
The Gangrel then demonstrated the effectiveness of white phosphorus by firing a single shot into the Bruja, which left him a smoldering heap of bones and non-functioning organs on the ground.
The Nosferatu spokes-being then smiled and quietly stated, "We speak only the truth, you see."
The conference ended with the member of Gangrel clan stating, "If the cattle ever figure out how we make these bullets, we're toast."
White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan issued a short statement on behalf of the President: "Although the President is not against vampirism per se, as a true patriotic American he is opposed to the use of innocent Americans as a food source for these unclean legions of the living dead." He further stated that white phosphorus may still be used to "briefly illuminate their foul, blood-encrusted dens of feeding" for tactical purposes.
Vice President Dick Cheney also issued a rare, but pointed, public statement: "In the name of God, impure souls of the living dead shall be banished into eternal damnation. Amen."